Aarti
Respected marriage expert John Gottman argues that to express disrespect is one of the clearest markers that a marriage is not going to survive. The word “contempt” is so harsh that you might not want to consider it as a potential issue in your relationship. Think about if you’ve ever treated your wife with contempt or disdain, whether you’ve ever looked down on her or scorned her.
If so, keep in mind that they are all, to varying degrees, expressions of disdain. Everyone wants to avoid being disrespectful to their partner in marriage. Seven ways to tell if your wife is getting the short end of the stick from you.
1. Interrupting her.
Too often, instead of listening to understand the other person’s perspective, we wait for an opening to interject our own. This sends the message that their opinions and feelings are unimportant and that you just care about yourself. Hear my wife Susan and I talk about the problem of unresponsive spouses in our podcast, Why Spouses Don’t Listen and What You Can Do About It.
2. Correcting her.
It’s simple for one spouse to start seeing the other as an enemy when they and their partner don’t agree on something. Instead of continuing to talk, we interrupt her to point out where she’s going wrong and why. This is an insult. They are being called silly or stupid.
3. Criticizing her.
It’s bad enough to disagree with someone on an issue, but it’s far worse when we take it personally and attack their character. The inquiry “How on earth could you think that?” is more of an implied statement. Consider, too, the common practice of posing a complaint as a rhetorical inquiry. What I mean is, “You’re not really going to wear that tonight, are you?” Constantly critiquing your wife is one of the 4 Communication Habits to Avoid in Your Marriage because it sends the message that you do not accept her as she is.
4. Finishing her sentences.
This could be good on some level. Finishing your wife’s sentences indicates you are listening to her and exhibits that you comprehend and know what she thinks and feels about a subject or circumstance. However,
it can also convey anger, showing that you can’t wait for her to finish talking so that you can take over. This presupposes that she has nothing new to tell you or that she might use your assistance in expressing herself.
5. Making fun of her.
Teasing each other in jest adds flavor and intimacy to a happy marriage, but it may easily turn destructive if done in front of others. One of the Seven Things You Should Stop Doing to Your Spouse in Public is making comments like this.
6. Communicating non-verbal negatives.
The method we say something might be just as important as the words themselves. The words we use and the way we carry ourselves can cause serious harm.
7. Redoing what she has done.
Being constantly put in one’s place is irritating. So the dishwasher isn’t loaded the way you think it should be or the table isn’t set the way you envisioned it. Treating her like a child by going back and doing her work over is frustrating for her. Does it matter if she does things little differently?
None of these seven actions on their own constitute disrespectful treatment of your wife. When such behaviors become routine rather than unusual, that’s when you should start to worry; it may be an indication of underlying problems in your marriage that need to be addressed.
