Aarti
A healthy marriage requires good communication just as much as a healthy diet requires good food. If you eat nothing but junk food for an extended period of time, your body will deteriorate. And if you and your partner aren’t able to talk to one other, your marriage will suffer.
Our personal marriage has taught us both what works and what doesn’t when it comes to communicating with one another. Here are three common methods of communication between couples that have been shown to be ineffective.
1. Assuming your spouse knows what you’re thinking
Spouses often assume that their partners automatically “get them” and are therefore able to anticipate and fulfill their every whim and desire just because they love each other so much. If partners could read each other’s minds, life together would be much less stressful. (Both my wife and I have attempted this and failed miserably.) When one partner has an overt or covert expectation of the other, it can put a significant strain on the marriage. All aspects of domestic life, including the bedroom, can benefit from a better understanding of each partner’s love language. This “Well, they should just know me” attitude will eventually cause disappointment and conflict when people’s expectations of them are consistently not satisfied.
The solution:
Talk about what you feel without holding back. Even after you tie the knot, your spouse still could never fully understand you. The only way to guarantee that is to specifically state it. Communicate your wants and requirements, as well as your preferred love language and other personal details. And repeat as often as is required. Continual and honest conversation is the key to greater understanding of your partner.
2. Assuming your spouse’s negative intentions
Your spouse is the one person in the world you should feel completely safe confiding in. They care deeply about you and always act in your best interest. However, how often do partners doubt each other and assume the worst instead of hoping for the best?
ALSO READ: The Facts About Childhood Obesity
When a spouse begins assuming that the other is upset at them, or assumes reasons for why they are acting a certain way, they are walking on thin ice, since they start responding to their spouse based upon their own negatively supposed ideas. And before you know it, there’s a flood of negative nonverbal cues. In our own marriage, we’ve learned the hard way that assumptions only serve to increase tension.
The solution:
Be lenient and assume the best in each other. Have faith in each other. Or, if trust has been damaged, make an effort to restore it. And instead of presuming anything terrible, if you don’t know, simply ask.
3. Communicating only out of necessity
Life as a married couple may be hectic, and it can become even more so when children are involved. If you’re not careful, you and your partner may soon be conversing frequently, but only because it’s essential to keeping the household afloat. You’ll start to feel like game officials in a game you’ve devised that will go on forever.
A marriage becomes more of a business venture than a romantic union. And you start to act more like reliable business partners than passionate lovers. And the idea of having open, honest, and loving dialogue between the two of you is completely alien.
The solution:
Make a point of talking too much about the things that matter. Set aside time every day, whether it’s over coffee in the morning, before bed, or any time in between, to catch up on each other’s lives and express your love for one another. Put in a lot of effort to make these moments more interesting than just routine.
