Aarti
I worked at a lock shop during the summer while I was a college student. Rock, my boss, was a stocky African-American man with a rough voice and a rippling physique. He worked tirelessly, knew everyone by name, and was a fantastic storyteller. The day someone asked him to get screws from the warehouse is one of my favorite anecdotes about him. A screw-related in-house construction project apparently necessitated the company’s efforts to cut costs and save time. Consequently, Rock was summoned by his manager to the warehouse, where he was instructed to unscrew each and every screw that secured the tall steel shelves to the walls. Using a right-to-left motion, Rock climbed a ladder and set out to work. Even when he took out a few screws, the shelves remained upright. Finally, he went up the ladder one last time and took out the last screw from the last shelf, causing it to lean and smash into the one beside it.
The remaining shelves and all the items on them collapsed like a house of dominoes. A heap of rubble greeted the manager as he dashed in. Perched awkwardly on the ladder behind the rubble, Rock clutched a single screw. After an awkward period, Rock finally spoke out and told the manager, “This is your fault.” This is also something we do in our marriages. Believing falsehoods is like unscrewing the screws in a marriage. It’s risky, it makes people make poor choices, and it causes infidelity to manifest. Extramarital affairs also do not occur at random. False beliefs and justifications lead to these consequences. However, debunking falsehoods prevents us from being sucked in by them. The domino effect can be avoided if one is aware of the telltale indications of adultery. Here are some harmful misconceptions that spouses hold that can cause them to cheat on their spouse.
My spouse should make me happy/I deserve to be happy.
Marriage is not about or intended for happiness, though it may be a component of it. Simply put, a self-centered attitude is fostered when one believes this to be true. Cultivating this mindset leads to routine partner blaming and eventual hatred. You find that the list of your spouse’s bad traits keeps growing. All it does is try to provide an excuse for being selfish so that the person can keep chasing after happiness or better opportunities. In marriage, we learn to love one another through thick and thin, to give and die to ourselves. That is the reason why it is both challenging and satisfying.
There’s nothing wrong with a little flirting.
Flirting is fun and thrilling. If you share that person’s sexual attraction for you, it will make you feel even better when they find you appealing. Everyone longs to regain that sensation. A married person’s rationalization of flirting with another person is that it is meaningless. Yet, it is. Because it teaches the heart to wander, it hurts your partner. While it’s normal to experience romantic interest in other people, it’s wrong to let those sentiments lead you to accept someone who doesn’t belong in your heart. When you flirt, it’s like jumping into a river that has a strong current but finishes with a big drop-off.
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
This mentality could develop when you repeatedly perform things that you know will annoy your partner. You know it’s wrong and likely feel bad about it, but you still can’t bring yourself to stop. Saying to himself, “I’m not hurting anyone,” is all this person needs to feel better. Although it is painful. Secrecy leads to estrangement. No matter the degree of separation, spouses have an innate ability to perceive it. Even if they don’t say anything, they may feel it. Disconnection can creep into a relationship the moment one partner believes a deception like this. The chasm widens until this individual finds a connection with another.
I have sexual needs.
You can’t exist without food. You do not require sex. It’s a desire of yours. Such a mindset gives sexual desires much too much control. Having sexual relations outside of marriage is also subtly justified in this way. Following a goal becomes less of a struggle once it has internal justification. On the other hand, if you believe that sexual activity is essential to a healthy marriage, then it’s a need for both partners, not just one. If your sexual desires are focused solely on you, it’s likely that they are desires rather than needs.
Our marriage problems are my spouse’s fault.
A marriage is a union between a man and a woman. Even if one person is mostly to blame, they are far from alone. This is a practical means of evading accountability. Irresponsibility, shifting blame, and self-justification all lead to a person’s coldness. Defenses are fortified and the process of separation starts. Rarely does a single individual bear the whole responsibility.
