Aarti
A few weeks ago, while watching my daughter play lacrosse, I saw one of the five warning signs of a failing marriage play out in front of my eyes. A mother sitting close was pleasantly watching the game too, when a man walked up behind her. She stated to him abruptly, “You’re late,” without even looking at him. “What are you making up for this time?”
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Ouch! After observing them for a few more minutes, I realized he was her spouse. I don’t know what was going on in their marriage, and maybe the lady was simply cranky that morning, but it served as a reminder to me that I should never speak to my spouse in such a way in public (or even in private)!
We may take stock and try to fix things if we recognize any of the warning signals of a troubled marriage in our own union. The following are the top 5 warning indicators of an unhappy marriage.
1. You’re rude to each other.
Even the most courteous person can have a bad day, but if rudeness is your norm, that’s a problem. Using rudeness as a front for your dissatisfaction of your husband’s actions or inaction is common. It’s a harmless method to poke fun at your hubby. It also demonstrates that you do not value him highly enough to be nice to.
How to fix it:
Consider why it is that you are treating him so rudely. Is this some sort of indirect, sneaky revenge on his part? Is there something more substantial you need to talk about? After you’ve given some thought to these issues, you can have a conversation with your husband along these lines:
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I think we’re both good people, but I haven’t been treating you very kindly, Josh. Please accept my apologies for my abrupt and curt tone. I promise to treat you with the utmost consideration. Then, even if he doesn’t offer to reciprocate, press forward with your resolution.
2. You disrespect each other in front of your children.
It’s one thing to be snippy and disrespectful when no one is around. You’re doing more harm to yourselves than anyone else. However, if you behave in such a way in front of your kids, you are causing them harm as well.
How to fix it:
For the sake of their kids, it’s important for parents to show that they can work together for the common interest of the household. Children’s sense of safety is compromised when a mother criticizes her husband in front of them. Your goal is for them to think highly of their father. If you treat him badly, they will feel the same way about him as you do. They might sympathize with him and end up supporting him instead of you. In other words, your behaviors will either alienate your children from their father or from you. Neither option is desirable. So, please start treating your spouse with dignity in front of the kids right now. (He should also gush over you to the kids.)
3. You assume the worst about each other.
This is a form of mind reading known as negative interpretation. As an illustration, suppose your husband asks, “Where’s the dry cleaning?” When you don’t pick up the dry cleaning, people ask you why. “When it’s your turn, you never get it. Your husband’s flaws become magnified in your thoughts when you adopt a “assume the worst” attitude. This not only makes you feel badly about your husband, but it also diminishes his value in your view.
How to fix it:
The solution is easy: just expect the best. Do not infer any unfavorable intent from your husband’s words, actions, or decisions. When in doubt, clarify by asking him to explain what he meant.
4. You don’t like spending time together.
Your husband is not your first pick for a companion when you have free time, such as a half hour after the kids have gone to bed or a weekend night when they are staying with grandparents. And the tension only increases when you are actually together.
How to fix it:
Spending one-on-one time with your husband is the first step toward strengthening your relationship with him. When you’re together, try not to broach any touchy subjects or deep debates. Maintain an upbeat, enjoyable tone. Have a positive outlook as you enter. Get ready to act and have a good time.
5. You argue instead of discuss.
Your communication skills with your partner need improvement if every argument escalates into a fight. This is easier said than done, but please hear me out: it is essential. You must both feel comfortable enough to talk about anything. You need to have faith that even if things grow heated, they will not descend into yelling, shaming, or tantrums.
How to fix it:
You can improve your communication skills, which is wonderful news. Go to your husband and tell him that you want to be able to talk about problems with him, but don’t point a finger at him. Then, take these concepts and practice talking things out instead of fighting.
