Aarti
You know what to do. It’s 11:30 p.m., you’re going off to sleep, and suddenly you sense a presence in the room. You wake up to the sight of a frightened child’s silhouette in the doorway. You have a son. Could have been the movie he watched while staying the night at a friend’s place, or it could have just been a shadow he noticed on the wall. Your initial reaction might not be the most useful option.
When walking with our kids through fear, we’re often tempted to cut the process short either to make it easier on ourselves or to help our sons respond in a way that we desire. Not only does this do nothing to alleviate the child’s immediate anxiety, but it also stops him from gaining insight that could aid him in the future. Here are three common blunders we make when our sons are anxious.
1. We mock.
Are you wondering, “Come on, does anyone really mock their scared child?” If that’s your perspective, I would simply invite you to attend a Little League baseball game. As great and encouraging as youth sports might be, they have a way of bringing this out in fathers. I’ve seen fathers use teasing to motivate their boys if the kid expresses anxiety about performing or failing. Either they haven’t done their own work with fear and are frightened by their son’s fear, or they mistakenly believe that making fun of him would motivate him to overcome his fear and show Dad wrong.
A child who is fearful of anything may benefit from having his attention diverted or having the truth that he need not be afraid pointed out to him through the medium of humor. The child should never be the focus of your humor; the item should. If a child is showing signs of dread, it’s okay to joke about it with them. Don’t ever poke fun at him.
2. We minimize.
It’s nearly automatic for us to try to calm a frightened child down when he comes to us for help. This could be the case if, for example, he is terrified of the monsters lurking in his bedroom closet. However, your son may learn that you don’t have a firm grasp on the workings of the universe if you rush to downplay everything. He doesn’t need you to reassure him that he’ll be alright if he’s nervous about giving that speech or trying out for the team because he thinks his classmates will make fun of him.
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Instead, he needs you to listen to his worries, provide empathy, and help him plan for how to proceed if his worst fears come true. If his friends make fun of him, what should he do? Suppose he doesn’t get picked for the team; what then? Courage is not about optimism but hope. Because we believe that adversity isn’t the adversary of our son’s flourishing but rather a chance for it, we don’t help them by pretending awful things won’t happen but rather by teaching them how to navigate the bad things when they arise.
3. We emphasize.
On the flip side, some parents put too much emphasis on the phobia their child has. I believe this is typically the case because we share that fear. We believe that our boys will be safer if we instill in them a healthy fear of certain things. Fear is a normal reaction to dangerous situations and can even be beneficial. Fear of a snarling dog or a lurking stranger may help keep our sons safe. We do more harm than good if we let our worry prevent us from letting our son explore the area with his buddies for fear of his being abducted, for example.
Instead of focusing on our kids’ worries, we should teach them to approach life with courage and maturity. How can you help your son make wise choices so that he can be safe in this world? This demands that he be informed of the hazards that exist, but also that he is taught how to live a life that doesn’t allow the dangers to dictate his destiny.
