What Prevents Us From Being Happy?

My talk therapy patients have told me that discovering they can control their own happiness has been one of the most helpful things we’ve covered. They initially blame the world around them for their negative emotions, but as we work together they begin to see how they have been giving other people too much power over their feelings. Then they figure out how to regain control.

There was a man who often felt isolated once upon a time. He had an insatiable appetite for companionship. He envisioned a carefree existence, similar to those depicted in beer commercials, consisting of happy gatherings with friends after work and weekend music festivals, celebrations, laughter, and high fives by the pool. However, his actual life was nothing like this at all. After a long day at the office, all he wanted to do was relax on his couch in front of the television. On the weekends, his favourite activities were sleeping in and hiking alone. If he didn’t have anything to do on a Saturday night, he’d swipe through his phone looking for friends, but this made him feel desperate and needy. A portion of him yearned to be the sociable type, while another portion of him preferred to spend his time alone. Many nerves were rattled by this war. His life brought him a lot of dissatisfaction.

Once upon a time, there was a successful female professional. She was intelligent and determined, and she worked hard to achieve her goal of a well-paying profession with significant responsibility that also satisfied her need for purposeful activity. But she was always worried that she wasn’t doing enough to prepare herself for marriage and motherhood. She went on Bumble dates, was set up by friends, and was in a few relationships that could have led to something more, but she always managed to talk herself out of them. She put her profession and work ahead of romantic interests and family planning, and while she enjoyed going to work every day, she often found herself resenting her job because of the friction it created. She could have chosen to work less and devote more time to other pursuits, but she found fulfilment in her job and gave it top importance. There was a great deal of internal tension between these two competing needs.

Perhaps you have met someone who resembles one of these examples. Perhaps you can see similarities between yourself and their experiences. Many of us are familiar with this occurrence. It’s the frustration we feel when our desires run counter to those we’ve convinced ourselves we “should” have. If we don’t pay attention to or investigate our feelings, we can carry a persistent sense of discontent with us throughout our lives. Each of us, it seems, builds a prison to contain our own set of worries and yearnings. All of us share the same limitations that keep us from the life experiences that may offer us joy if we could only break free of this cage. These mental prisons are one-of-a-kind because they are constructed entirely from our own personal experiences and memories. While both of our cages are roughly the same size, they are each custom-made to meet our individual needs.

In sessions, we talk about these confines. A defence mechanism is often plain to see when it kicks in. The dread of rejection prevents us from reaching out to our friends and revealing that we are lonely, so we stay alone despite our deep longing for connection with other people. We long for a life in which our connections with others, rather than our careers, take first, but we shudder at the thought of settling down and making a real commitment. Perhaps we don’t try to build a loving and caring family as adults since we had a negative experience with family as children. These intricate, individual prisons, for whatever purpose they may serve, are a cause of distress and deserve investigation.

Where do we go from here? The first step, like with so much else in this book, is simply to recognise the shackles. Many of us here are oblivious to the fact that we are confined in cages. We try to get what we want by pushing against the bars, but we fail to see that we hold the key to our own freedom. As a result, we have to ask ourselves, “What do we really want?” Do we really want to spend our time making arrangements with our pals all the time? Or is it that we think we “should” want that? Do we want to get married and have kids? Or is it that we think we “should” want this? Maybe we’re caged in this way because we secretly want these things but are too terrified to actually go after them. Perhaps it’s normal to prefer our own company and keep a very small social network. Perhaps it’s acceptable for us to prioritise our careers and stay single rather than establish a family because we enjoy what we do.

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One day we may wake up and realise that our “wants” were all wrong, and our “cage” may transform into a cosy home where we can finally rest and relax. Both of those choices sound great, right? That’s because we’re not following the norm. The gradual changes in our life that have brought to our current state of tension and discontent are becoming increasingly clear to us. To live more fulfilled lives, we’re debating whether or not to give in to our competing impulses and fantasies. No matter how complex the prison, the only person who can unlock it is ourselves.