Aarti
Like most kids, I used to be bold and direct, with little wisdom to moderate my expressions. I was out with a mixed group of friends (men and girls) one night when a female buddy and I began to tease and mock one another. The verbal sparring quickly became aggressive. At last, I said something to her that I deeply regret being so cruel, harsh, and embarrassing. What I said is insignificant, but as soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. The worst part was that I had considered the consequences of my words before I really said them. At that point, winning was more important to me than she was. My stomach still drops when I remember the moment she screamed and stomped out of the room.
Words have a significant impact, particularly in relationships. In marriage, the impact is considerably deeper because of the amount of intimacy. The person whose opinion truly counts the most in your life lets loose with some choice words. It’s our choice of words in the heat of an argument that can either inflame or cool things down. The incorrect words can quickly escalate a situation. Therefore, here are some phrases to avoid using when arguing with your spouse.
“At least…”
This is an attempt to avoid dealing with a problem by focusing on a positive spin on it. Ultimately, it demonstrates a lack of empathy by trivializing what she considers significant. Any more explanation after these two words will only help to exacerbate the tension and alienation.
“I don’t care.”
In the heat of an argument, this one can do serious harm if it is spoken. That will be the last word for the evening. These three words are the ones that have caused the most arguments in our home. Perhaps she needs my input or assistance in making a choice. My response is always, “I don’t care,” which means “I don’t have an opinion.” I’m on the fence about it. It sounds like, “I don’t want to do this with you,” to her ears. It’s not important to me.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
Perhaps she is. It’s possible that she’s so overcome with grief that she’s refusing to consider any other possibility. No matter how well you explain it to her, and especially if you phrase it this way,
she won’t be able to see it right now. It will just make things worse and add fuel to the fire. Recognize and respect her emotions by listening to her out. Try to talk some sense into her when she cools off.
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“Other people wouldn’t react the way you are.”
Never compare your wife to anyone, particularly other women. It belittles her as a person and is likely to scratch at deep vulnerabilities. It was lovely knowing you, and please don’t compare her to your mom.
