Aarti
Have you ever been in an intense love affair that ended in heartbreak but whose memories you still cherish? It doesn’t take much for such memories to seep into your mind, no matter how hard you attempt to block them out. But you’ve moved on and found a safe and steady relationship now. I mean, why can’t you get your mind off of your ex? Doesn’t the fact that you can’t bode ill for the future?
University of Kansas psychologist Ting Ai and colleagues (2022) found that “meaningful memories about an ex-partner can serve a variety of functions and could potentially benefit people’s current lives” (p. 15). This finding suggests that it may be beneficial to allow these thoughts to float up into your daily consciousness. Perhaps it’s not that horrible to indulge in some fond memories of your former partner.
Nostalgia’s Possible Functions
According to the definition of nostalgia offered by the Kansas researchers, “a sentimental longing or wistful affection towards a past time, event, or person,” (p. 15), could influence how you interact with your current romantic partner. It seems plausible when you give it some thought.
There was obviously something appealing about that ex, and it’s possible that the same thing is motivating your current attraction to your relationship. You may have learned something significant about who you are and how you relate to others.
Perhaps your treatment of them was unkind and you feel terrible about it today. Or perhaps your ex broke up with you because you were too needy. Even if you were able to learn valuable lessons from a previous relationship, the fact remains that your emotions were deeply invested in it, making it very impossible to forget. Ai and her coworkers say it’s possible you don’t even have to try.
To circle back to the original meaning of “wistful,” you may be wondering what practical use you can make of your fond recollections in the present. Attachment theory suggests that happy memories like these might serve as “positive schemas” that inform your present romantic relationships.
Because attachment theory also applies to your sense of self, letting pleasant memories seep back into your consciousness may reinforce your belief that you are capable of forming healthy connections. Such recollections can also aid in putting your life’s disparate events into some kind of narrative order.
Testing Nostalgia’s Possible Benefits
According to the definition of nostalgia offered by the Kansas researchers, “a sentimental longing or wistful affection towards a past time, event, or person,” (p. 15), could influence how you interact with your current romantic partner. It seems plausible when you give it some thought.
There was obviously something appealing about that ex, and it’s possible that the same thing is motivating your current attraction to your relationship. You may have learned something significant about who you are and how you relate to others.
Perhaps your treatment of them was unkind and you feel terrible about it today. Or perhaps your ex broke up with you because you were too needy. Even if you were able to learn valuable lessons from a previous relationship, the fact remains that your emotions were deeply invested in it, making it very impossible to forget. Ai and her coworkers say it’s possible you don’t even have to try.
To circle back to the original meaning of “wistful,” you may be wondering what practical use you can make of your fond recollections in the present. Attachment theory suggests that happy memories like these might serve as “positive schemas” that inform your present romantic relationships.
Because attachment theory also applies to your sense of self, letting pleasant memories seep back into your consciousness may reinforce your belief that you are capable of forming healthy connections. Such recollections can also aid in putting your life’s disparate events into some kind of narrative order.
Using Nostalgia to Your Benefit
It is evident that a particular form of nostalgia for your ex can be carried over into your present relationship, the type that allows you to feel like you’ve grown and evolved. But what if you find yourself weighed down by emotions of sadness, loss, and failure? According to research conducted at the University of Kansas, it is recommended that you channel the effort you put into these emotions into constructive channels that contribute to your sense of growth.
It’s possible that actively reinterpreting your former connection can help you form your present-day sense of who you are. Are there any small habits that originated in that previous relationship that come to mind after reading this summary? How much of who you are today comes from your previous relationship?
Perhaps your significant other has opened your eyes to a whole new world of artistic appreciation.
Maybe you used to think you’d detest camping, but after spending some quality time in the great outdoors with your ex, you’ve come to appreciate the experience.
Your partner’s influence on who you become was evident in this way. You learned a lot about yourself as well as love from your ex.
To sum up,
In conclusion, your current self is inextricably intertwined with your past experiences with your ex. Your former flame contributed to who you are today in the same way that everyone else in your life did.
