Aarti
“I don’t get it. You’re getting so worked up over what seemed like a minor argument,” I told my wife, surprising her. She believed we were discussing paint colors, but I was still bringing up our argument from five years ago, when she seemed to be ordering me what to do. Like you, I had no idea that my long-simmering resentment had become the storyline around which every argument revolved.
Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship with a lengthy history. It’s essential that when you do, you take stock of the pain you’ve felt, figure out what caused it, and forgive and be forgiven. A persistent resentment might develop if any of these things don’t take place. Keep reading for five ways that holding a grudge is ruining your marriage.
1. It builds a wall between you and your wife.
Forgiveness is like a competent mason’s work. They start work before you even have your coffee in the morning and have half a wall constructed by the time you finish yours. It’s not overt. But being close to someone is impossible while harboring resentment. As time goes on, it quietly pulls you farther and more away from your wife. Slowly but surely, you begin to lose interest in making an effort to strengthen your relationship. Looking at her makes you reflect on her words and actions and how they affected you. In a marriage, harboring resentment at one’s partner is a certain way to make them your adversary.
2. It takes away your sense of agency.
Maintaining a feeling of control over one’s relationship is vital. You must believe that your work is meaningful and that you can make a difference. But when spouses harbor resentment toward one another, it saps their agency. You can’t stop thinking about her and how she made you feel, even though there’s a chance to develop something with her. When you hold grudges, you can’t let go of the past and move on.
3. It creates a narrative that distorts future interactions.
When you keep resentment and blame inside, it’s like the tale you tell yourself about your fight with your wife. According to my account, “my wife wants to control me.” Consequently, that perspective was applied to every conversation, regardless of its veracity (which was frequently inaccurate). Because you’re constantly circling back to the past, we can’t address the current problem. Your partner will likewise go completely bonkers since she has no idea what you’re telling yourself. The world doesn’t need more terrible stories; some just must end.
4. It steals the joy.
The joy you deserve in your marriage can be taken away when you keep grudges, as they only serve to fortify walls and fuel false narratives. As long as you can’t put the past behind you, you won’t be able to appreciate the little but significant victories in your marriage. How incredible is it that there is another human being out there who is interested in your boring job, who is ready to listen to your stories over and over again, and who will go on walks with you for no apparent reason whatsoever? These are very remarkable and delightful events. When you hold a grudge, though, the story and the wall will obscure all of that.
5. It hardens your heart.
Keeping resentment and animosity inside you can eventually cause your heart to harden. If you keep telling yourself terrible things about your wife, let the wall to grow, feel powerless and react, and stop appreciating the little miracles, you will soon grow to dislike or even hate her. Intimacy will no longer be desired by you. You probably won’t want your marriage to get better. At this point, there may be no turning back. It has the potential to bring you unending sorrow, bitterness, and letdowns. Or, as you might expect, it can cause the couple to break up.
